


Hypostatize

by BigScaryDinos



Series: Jayus [2]
Category: Twenty One Pilots
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Alternate Universe - High School, Alternate Universe - No Band, Biting, Blow Jobs, Boys In Love, Communication, Cuddling & Snuggling, Established Relationship, F/M, Falling In Love, I Will Go Down With This Ship, Internalized Homophobia, Jealousy, Jenna is barely mentioned, M/M, Making Out, Masturbation, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Rough Kissing, Sexual Fantasy, Tags Are Hard, Underwear, Voyeurism, Wet Dream, Work In Progress
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-08
Updated: 2018-01-29
Packaged: 2018-10-29 12:05:23
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 14,360
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10853652
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BigScaryDinos/pseuds/BigScaryDinos
Summary: Communication is the key to good relationship. Tyler is happy where they are. Josh doesn't even think it is a relationship. A week alone sounds like a great idea.Josh thinks of rules. Tyler gives it a shot.Maybe the falling in love tag works better this time around guys?ORThe one where they 100% for sure do not have sex in Tyler's parent's lake-house.





	1. i

**Author's Note:**

> Wow! Thank you guys for commenting/ liking/ giving kudos on part one, never thought it would do so well. Part two will be more slow burnish? More communication and relationship stuff. Dunno, keep reading to find out what I've got.

 

 

It was April first and if Josh didn’t know Tyler as well as he did he would assume this was a prank. But it wasn’t. Tyler didn't have much in the way of a sense of humor. Nothing about it was funny, not even close.

 

He didn’t want to leave, really. He didn’t want to stay either. He felt stuck in the middle of something tumultuous. His stomach was a ship on a stormy sea. His mind was full to the brim with horrifying possibilities he didn't have the brainpower to consider. It wasn't effecting anyone but himself, however.

 

Tyler was normally hot or cold. He could ignore Josh for days or crave his touch like oxygen to deprived lungs. Today was hot. He buried his bare toes into the flesh of Josh’s shoulder blades. He curled them into the muscles.

 

“Joshua, why are you so far away?” He whined on his bed, his chemistry book propped open in front of him. Josh ignored it, ignored the feeling of the toes retracting back to their owner, and sat on the floor, knees to chest and pretended Tyler wasn’t giving him a miniature heart attack. “Joshuaaaaa,studying for real is not fun. If you haven’t noticed. Come here, baby. Please.” He took his foot away fully sat up in the bed, repositioning himself. He leaned forward, the creak of the mattress betraying his silent movements.

 

His fingers reached out and Josh skittered away another few inches. He didn’t say a word. Ty was beginning to move from annoyed to aggravated. He sat back up in bed, the book shutting quickly.

 

“What’s the problem, Josh?” He sat on the edge of his bed, inched closer to Josh’s spot. Just ignore him, Josh thought to himself, attempting to just take a deep inhale. Instead when he opened his mouth all his words spilled across the floor in messy ink black puddles. 

 

“The problem is Jenna Black leaving your house? Today? As in I saw her right before I came in? And at school? That’s a problem.”

 

Every sentence ended in a question mark, large and black and blocky. He had been struggling to even know if he had a right to ask. He decided in the end that he should. He never asked, never question. He blindly followed and this he couldn't sit around accepting without probing. Tyler laughed, hugging himself on the bed and stopped his movements. Josh tried to force his voice into something that resembled a calm tone of voice, unsure when the disgusting warble of paranoia had saturated his speech. 

 

“Jenna is your problem?” It was high and musical. He inched towards Josh’s position, his fingers like claws waiting to grab him back, pull him into a murky mess. “It’s just Jenna.”

 

“Just Jenna? What is Jenna?” Josh asked, his eyes sticking to a small black dot on the wall in front of him. If he wavered from that spot he would snap. He didn’t really want an answer, knew Tyler’s response would be bad either way. He wondered what the black dot had been from, dirt or bugs or paint.

 

“It’s complicated.” Tyler hummed in his throat as the fingers made contact, touching gently at the heavy set of Josh's shoulders. “It’s just nothing to worry about.”  Josh managed to escape the trap and break the spell in one fell swoop by inching away, his back no longer to the bed but his eyes still trained on that spot ahead of him. He held himself up straight, his muscles burned slightly, the position uncomfortable but not nearly as uncomfortable as he felt. The tone of fear and ugly desperation seeping into his words.

 

“It is something to worry about.”

 

“Joshua are you really jealous of my cover?” Tylers laughs had stopped dead inside his throat when his fingers were met with nothing but air. Josh could feel eyes burning into his back, willing him to turn around and stop being a problem, but he couldn’t. This _was_ a problem, this was his battleground. He couldn’t recall a time he’d ever stood up to Tyler. He sat, rigid straight. There would be no weakness here.

 

“Cover?”

 

“Yeah, you know as in ‘Oh hey, what do you think people would think if they knew the truth, so here’s Jenna to be my girlfriend so I can keep doing what I’m doing and people just assume everything's fine.’” His voice changing pitch with every word Josh wanted to tell him to shut up because his whole family was downstairs, but instead just mulled the words over in his head.

 

“So she’s your girlfriend?”

 

“Selective hearing.” Tyler chimed back, throwing himself backwards on the bed, he lay flat. Josh could hear the groan of the springs from the effort.  He had given up in the physical pursuit at least. Josh let out his inhale, unsure when he had begun holding his breath.

 

“Girlfriend?” Josh repeated, he blinked. Something burned under his eyelids but he ignored it, stated focused. It had to be dirt. On the wall and in his eyes. He wasn't upset, really.  Maybe just a little upset, but not at all surprised.

 

“Did you hear anything I just said?”

 

“Yeah, but do you like her?”  Here Tyler sighed heavily. His dramatic pause.

 

“Okay, first of all why can’t you just shut the hell up for now and just get on my bed, secondly yes. I like her, okay? Who wouldn’t like her? I mean look at her.”

 

“I don’t like her.” Josh mumbled, remaining on the floor with no efforts to get up.

 

“That’s because you’re jealous.”

 

“Notjealous.” Josh mumbled, his words slurring into one. He blinked away the burn in his eyes. Maybe it was allergies. Maybe he would have an allergic reaction, his face turning red and swollen on the floor on Tyler's bedroom. Maybe he could just die here and Tyler could have Jenna all he wanted and Josh could just take his stupid thoughts and fat tears and leave them alone.

 

“Very jealous.” Tyler retorted. His voice muffled and far away. Josh could barely hear it, a noise at the distant end of a tunnel.

 

Josh didn’t even give a response.

 

“Okay, well what do you want me to do?” Tyler asked, still distant.

 

“We need to talk.”

 

 

 


	2. I

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> day one.

 

It was easy, Josh thought as Tyler drove, his face towards the road before him and Josh turned to the window. The world stretched for miles before them and endlessly behind them. With the window  cracked just enough he could smell the water. Fresh and lapping at the edges of the land in the distance. There was something about it that was calming, something he could get used to.  

 

Just don’t cave first. He watched the houses pass, each bigger than the last. The patios and decks, tables and chairs with brand name grills and basketball courts. They flew by on either side. He couldn't shut his eyes without seeing a boat in someone's drive way.  


 

Tyler turned onto a driveway.

 

Just don’t cave first.

 

***  


 

Laura had no issues when Josh asked if he could go to Tyler’s family's lake house over spring break. Kelly, after all, was one of her best friends.   


 

He just happened to leave out the part that it wasn’t Tyler’s whole family. Just him and Tyler. 

 

And an entire week in a lake house. 

  
  


***  


  
  


Josh sat on the wooden deck, his feet dipped into the cool water lapping between his toes. He didn't want to go inside just yet. Something about the large house looming behind him seemed ominous. He liked the oak beneath him and the cool breeze gently stirring his hair up. Branches creaked, birds cooed in nests. Out here he could loose himself. Inside...he might surrender first. It was easier to stay clear headed with the sky so vast and blue.   


 

“So what are we doing?” Tyler sat behind him, bare feet tucked under his legs and cleaning the dirt from under his nails. Josh could hear the scrape of nail against his teeth. It sent shivers up and down his spine. It was the kind of bad habit only crazy people picked up, sucking the filth from under their nails. Josh calculated his words inside his skull before he spoke. 

 

“We need to talk. Like actually communicate. We don’t even know if we like each other.” 

 

“We like each other.” Tyler spoke around his finger, pressed into his mouth. He sounded confident enough. Everything he said was filled with confidence. Josh wondered if he'd ever tire of hearing it spew out.   


 

“What’s my favorite color?” He challenged.   


 

“What’s mine?” Tyler replied.   


 

“Exactly.” 

 

Josh could hear the frustration, Tyler inched closer, dipping his own bare feet off the dock. He didn’t let the water touch them, just held them barely above the surface. They sat, waiting on each other. Josh broke first, of course. 

 

“I just want us to talk.” 

 

“We can talk at home. We can talk at school.” Tyler’s feet scraped the surface of the lake, never dipping below. Josh was up to his ankles. His toes look distorted under the clear water.   


 

“We need to talk, just us. We need to like, work on things. Get all of the shit together. Decide what we want to do.” 

 

Tyler sat still and silent. Unnatural for him to be so motionless. He brought his hands up his mouth, then put them down. 

 

“Why the no sex thing?” Josh knew with from the tone of voice his eye brows were cocked, his mouth skewed.   


 

“Distraction.” 

 

“For me or you?” 

 

“Both.” 

 

“Should I take that as a compliment?” Tyler's laugh wasn't mocking, exactly.   


 

The wind pressed hard against Josh's back, reminding him that despite the sunlight it wasn’t summer yet. He shivered, Tyler inched closer, not touching, just nearing him. 

 

“We can still do other stuff right?”

 

“Like what?” Josh replied, he wrung his hands together. 

 

“Kiss?” 

 

Josh nodded casually. 

 

“We don’t have to not touch. Just no sex.” 

 

“Okay.” 

 

***  


 

It was Tyler who decided they should stay in the house for the week, or at least on the property. He tugged on a well worn hoodie, standing in the beams of sunlight in the kitchen. The whole house felt too large, too quiet with just the two of them. There were shadows everywhere, cobwebs hiding from beams above them. The place made noises all on it's own.   


 

“We should go get food now, spend the whole time working on this.” He gestured vaguely around the room, at himself. 

 

Josh nodded. 

 

Yeah they would need a lot of time to work on this. Whatever this was. 

 

“I’ll go, you can stay here if you want.” Tyler said, slipping his shoes on over bare feet. Sneakers with no socks. 

 

Maybe Tyler was a real life serial killer, Josh though, backing up against the counter tops in the kitchen. He nodded again. Tyler left with the keys. 

 

***  


 

Josh wasn't  one to pry. He normally wasn't the kind of guy who went to a friends house to open the bathroom cupboards and take a look around.He didn't get down on his knees and look under the bed for dirty secrets. He didn't even want to really.   


 

Tyler made him different though. 

 

Tyler made him into a wholly unusual version of himself. 

 

Josh started in the bathroom, knowing that anything he found couldn't be traced back, exactly to his occasional fuckboy boyfriend. 

 

Crest toothpaste and a half used tube of Clearasil. Soap that smelled like strawberries and lemon pledge. One bleach stained towel. 

 

It was like rummaging through something abandoned, everything half used or old and forgotten. 

 

He wondered when the last time anyone had been here.

 

He thought again about Tyler sucking dirt from under his nails and wondered if he'd make it home alive. 

 

***  


 

“Can I ask you a question?” 

 

“Kind of the point, isn’t it. Us being here. Talking.” Tyler crunched cereal inside his mouth, his molars grinding together. He’d been irritated most of the day. Most of the whole first day spent aggravated and wasted. Especially when he'd come back to the house with his arms loaded with clear grey Wal-Mart bags of groceries. He set down his spoon on the floor.   


 

“Have you ever killed someone?” Josh asked, then lifted his bowl to his lips to slurp at the sugary milk. He waited and watched over the edge of the plastic. He wanted to see the reaction, wanted to know for a fact if Tyler Joseph who just so happens to have an occasionally short temper and eats dirt and wears shoes without socks is a murderer. If he betrays himself with his face. 

 

Instead he laughs. 

 

“In real life?”  He chuckles, picking up his own bowl and spoon and working on the rest of his waffle crisp. He doesn’t wait for Josh to respond, instead just continues on. “No. I’ve never killed anyone in real life. Only in video games.” His mouth crunches, his lips don't seem to match up with the words coming from them. It's delayed.   


 

Josh nods. Tyler puts the bare minimum of milk on his cereal, prefers it mostly dry. Nothing exactly wrong with that, but when he’s done with eating the rest of the cereal in silence he stands and pours the milk down the drain. He doesn’t even take a sip of what’s left.  

 

Josh isn’t fully convinced. 

 

***  


 

The sun sets uneventfully. 

 

Day one is a wash, Josh thinks, sitting again on the deck and listening to the water. He's ended up outside at least three times since they got here in the past few hours. Somehow neither of them has turned on the TV or the radio or the lights all day. With the last strands of pale red in the sky the porch light clicks on and Josh can hear Tyler opening the glass door to come out. 

 

They haven’t said much. This communication thing isn't working well.   


 

"Did you know how much ground beef costs?" Tyler starts, his foot falls almost hushed against the oak.  

 

“If we can’t get this to work, I’m not sure we can keep this up.” 

 

Tyler sits, silently and accepts it. He doesn’t do much, just exists behind Josh.The price of food forgotten.   


 

“We need to figure out what we are.” Josh says, again, mostly to the water in front of him. Mostly to himself. Mostly to fill up the silence. 

 

“I put my stuff in my old room, you can have whatever one you want.” Tyler says, as if it’s a reply. Josh could care less. Couches or beds or the floor none of it matters. He nods though, and keeps looking at the water, at the way the trees around them form dark shadows the pulse on the waves. 

 

“Thanks.”

 

“No problem.” 

 

Then Tyler is gone back inside. The wind picks up as the day gets darker. 

 

It isn’t summer by any means.

 

***  


  
  


The sounds are all wrong out here. It’s not the woods, but it’s the closest thing to being abandoned in the wilderness that Josh has ever felt. He’s trapped, it seems in the dark room with the windows cracked open and the continuous noise outside so unlike what he's used to.  

 

He can’t sleep.

 

He’s uncomfortable. 

 

If he’s being honest he’s actually terrified. It’s stupid, he thinks to himself, as he lays in the dark with his eyes alternating between wide awake and squeezed shut. He’s basically an adult. He shouldn’t be afraid of the dark. He shouldn’t be afraid to sleep alone. He knows the noises outside are fish and owls and maybe a fox running around, trees and wind. He's still afraid. He still hates every second.   


 

Something about this whole house makes him shiver inside his bed even with the sheets pulled around his neck. He's not cold - but he's not warm either.   


 

Firstly it was far too dark, he looked in all the rooms but none of them have a working TV. Tyler sleepily promised he’d crawl on the roof and figure out the dish in the morning, and Josh nodded his head. It wasn’t a huge issue. It was just one night, but there were no street lights outside to keep his room washed in a glow. There were no neighbors home with porch lights. There was nothing in any room other than the main light. The moon barely peaked through the thick clouds that had rolled in.   


 

He felt like an idiot if he stood up and turned on the lights. Tyler would find him in the morning in the lit up room, racking up the electric bill. So he picked what he presumed was Tyler’s parent’s room and slept in the Queen bed. The window there let in the most of the hazy night light. The dark would have been okay, almost tolerable if not for the noises. The wood around him creaked in the wind. He opened the window and heard frogs and birds and the waves. The harsh squeak of branches on dead trees. 

 

He heard whispers and faint screams and knew they were fake, knew they were just natural sounds, but he couldn’t accept them and lay in bed terrified to keep his eyes shut and even more afraid to keep them open. 

 

His watch told him it was quarter past three in the morning when he decided it was enough. He wouldn’t cave, just conceded a little. One step forward without actually giving anything up.Every war has battles. Every side has to give up land once in a while.   


 

“Tyler.” He whispered in the dark, prodding his index into Tyler’s bare chest. It was so dark Josh was using the flashlight on his phone, had only managed to navigate with it’s light, now whitewashing Tyler in the darkness. “Hey, Ty. Hey.” He pressed again, heard Tyler’s breathing catch inside his chest. He pushed forward before he could change his mind.   


 

“Hey, can you. Um. Can I sleep here?” 

 

The bed was smaller, only a double and with Tyler spread on his back with his arms out he took more than half the space. He didn’t even open his eyes. 

 

“ Wrong?” He asked, his own one worded question as he sighed and yawned, pulling his hands over his eyes. All the same he inched over a centimeter or two.   


 

“Nothing’s wrong, just. Can I stay here? Please?” 

 

“No sex.” Tyler’s voice was heavy with sleep, thickened as he rolled over on his side and stretched out his arms. Josh slipped into the bed. 

 

“Yeah, no sex. Just sleep.” He laid his head on the meat of Tyler’s bicep. It wasn’t a fully comfortable position but he simply couldn’t hear all the same noises inside this room that he had heard in his. The sound of Tyler's sleepy breathing, his heavy sighs, his slow pulse filled his head instead.   


 

“Goodnight, Ty. Thanks.” 

 

“‘Night, J.” 

 

They were both asleep in minutes

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sundays aren't always bad days.


	3. II

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> day two.

 

Josh woke up alone. At first the night before was a blur, fuzzy around the edges in the way that he imaged a drunk night might feel. All that was left were feelings in pastel colors leaving a bad taste on the outskirts of his brain - and it was okay. There wasn't anything to remember, he was sure of it. Was sure that even with his midnight nightmares that he'd been strong in his resistance. The exact details may be missing, but the truth of the matter was there, nothing had happened.   


 

He sat in bed and was vaguely aware that this was not the bed he had chosen last night when the sun had been orange and still high in the sky. It smelled like Tyler, and the room had his trademarks. 

 

Basketball shoes half stuffed into the closet, his mismatched suitcase lying on a corner. But Tyler wasn’t around. An inside out sweatshirt left like evidence  at a crime scene that he had been around at some point. That he may be naked now. The night was a sleepwalked mess and he straightened himself in the bed, turning to sit on the edge. 

 

No, no Tyler at all. Just short dark strands of hair stuck to the pillowcase and his scent clinging to Josh’s nostrils. 

 

 ***

 

Tyler wasn’t in the kitchen or the bathroom. He wasn’t hiding in a different bedroom. Wasn’t sitting on the couch. He wasn't making breakfast or watching TV. He wasn't around. He wasn't in the house at all.   


 

Josh found Tyler in the lake. 

 ***

 

 

He had thought that Tyler had gone out, to town, maybe. The car was in the driveway, but maybe he was walking somewhere. It was one of those wistful pictures that Josh conjured up of Tyler, earbuds tucked securely in place as he jogged to a corner store to get milk. His face flushed from the distance. His fingers clammy when he handed the man at the counter a ten dollar bill.   


 

So he returned to the kitchen in his bare feet and shorts and decided to make toast. His fingers were wrapping the plastic up as the toaster turned on and beginning to glow red he wondered if Tyler was okay. It was one of those fleeting thoughts that didn't hold much weight, but the noises stopped him.   


 

As soon as the thought crossed his mind he heard the water, a splash that didn’t sound so similar. Peeking through the glass of the kitchen window he saw a dark shape in the water. He allowed the panic to flood him for a while as he rushed out into the deck, terrified.

 

As he stood on the deck he saw Tyler treading the water, his arms smooth and cutting across the waves with the confidence of someone who had spent too many summers here. 

 

He felt the lead pit inside his stomach dissolve. Tyler cut the water like a knife, long even strokes with his tan skin glistening in the early morning sun. 

 

“I never thought you were getting up.” He called, slowing his pacing in the lake and beginning to tread slowly back to the edge of the dock where josh stood, his hands cupping his elbows as he held himself.   


 

If he thought about it, it was pretty cool out here despite the sun. He inched closer to the edge and dipping his foot in, pulled it out quickly. The water was icy. 

 

“Sorry, I don't even know what time it is.” 

 

“It's fine. Doesn't matter.” 

 

Silence radiated between the two as Tyler finally reached his hands out to the wooden deck and found purchase, he floated in the water. Just a head and shoulders in the smooth glassy surface. 

 

“You ran out here awfully fast.” Tyler's voice distorted as he dipped his mouth under and gathered a mouthful of lake water. He seemed to swish it around his mouth before spitting it back. Josh tried not to flinch. This was for sure not a good sign. Nothing an upstanding citizen would do.   


 

“Just, uh. Wasn't sure if you were. Um.” 

 

Tyler laughed. 

 

“I'm fine.” He reassures as the water distorts his mouth, the lips look blue and wiggly under the waves. His fingertips are wrinkled.  Josh looks away at the trees on the shore line instead. “You know, for wanting to talk so badly, you arn’t the best at it.” 

 

Josh huffed, he stood and folded his arms over each other. Tyler hoisted himself out of the water, his skin glistening in the sun. Josh waited,  trying not to stare as he finally brought  a leg up to the deck  - a bare leg that led to bare thigh.  

 

He’d been swimming completely naked. Josh tried to understand the motivation as Tyler finally wrapped himself in a towel and headed towards the back door, the glass still open. 

 

“Hey, also, next time, maybe we can try not burning the house down?” He shouted, ducking into the house as Josh finally noticed the black billowing cloud puffing out of the kitchen. 

 

The toast. 

 

Damn it. 

 

***  


 

They sat on the couch and stared at the wall in front of them. Tyler had decided pizza was a better breakfast than toast, the crust nearly under-cooked as Josh ate a second piece. 

 

“So do you like her?” He tried, his mouth full of cheese and pepperoni. Tyler wiped his greasy fingers against the beige couch leaving a nasty smear. He examined it like some kind of ink blot test.   


 

“Sort of, yeah. Like if we’re being honest.” 

 

Josh chewed silently, considering the answer. 

 

“Don’t you?” He pushed forward, his words muffled and messy. Josh thought about it, honestly for maybe the first time since he had seen Jenna leaving Tyler's house. 

 

“I mean, I don’t know her.” 

 

Tyler sat, chewing his slice. “I guess. But I mean, just look at her.” 

 

“Yeah, so? I thought you were - uh.” Josh stutters and stops, the food a ball inside his throat. He’s had this guys dick in his ass more times than he could count and yet just the idea of calling him gay stops him dead in his tracks. 

 

“I like a lot of people, okay. Guys. Girls.” Tyler answers without letting the silence stop him. “And again, you’re bad at this conversing thing. Gotta work on that.” He twirls a long piece of cheese around his finger, he sucks it off and Josh dares himself not to watch from the corner of his eye. He does it anyway.  “I just like people. Don’t like labels.” 

 

Josh thinks the pizza could have definitely benefited from at least a few more minutes in the oven, but he’s not about to say that out loud. Instead he grabs a third slice. 

 

“I like you.” He states, open mouth - insert food. Tyler chews his crust like it’s something worth savoring. 

 

“Do you like me because of me, or because of what I do for you?” He asks. His tone is flat, no blame or anger. Nothing at all, just bland. 

 

Josh thinks about it. 

 

***  


 

The day promised to be hot and the promise came to a full tilt by mid day. Somewhere between noon and sunset the sky became overly bright and the wind stopped. It was only April and if the snapchat filter was to be believed it was ninety four. 

 

“Global warming.” Tyler panted, down to his white basketball shorts. Even those had sweat stains, slowly growing in a dark nasty brown color. Josh tried not to melt. "Fucking Republicans," he stated as he tried to get comfortable to no avail.   


 

They had tried the lake, but the air was too humid and Josh felt pushing through the waves was too much effort. Even Ty, so quick this morning had some trouble breaking the surface. The water less cooling, more similar to a slowly boiling soup instead.  So they ended up inside, the fan and AC turned as high as they could crank it. 

 

The only real room that had working AC was his parent’s room, Josh’s original pick for bedding down. He assumed they’d both be staying here tonight since Ty hadn’t managed to fix the TV at all today and with night approaching Josh began to understand his original fear, the noise and strange darkness that crept into the room. Josh looked at the sun through the window. 

 

The room cooled little but little until they could both function. The air still a thick force outside the shut door and windows. 

 

“What do you want to do?” Josh asked. 

 

Which is how they ended up tangled up in the flat sheet with lips pressed against each other. Josh liked to think he didn’t provoke it, was more of something he was just a witness to. Something about the way Ty looked, glistening on the sheets and the way his body moved and the way he hushed something totally filthy into Josh’s ear. It wasn’t his fault. It was something as natural as breathing.   


 

It was fine, really. Mostly like old times, with just the two of them, pants still on but faces clashing against each other. Tongues locking the other into a death match, too much spit, too much grabbing and pulling. It was the desperate cry of two people craving the other's touch.   


 

Josh was pinning against the pillows with Tyler’s damp hair tickling his cheeks before he felt hands ghosting over his hips. He pulled away, and when he found no space behind him, he rolled to his side. 

 

“Stop.” Amazed it could even come out. 

 

“Sorry. Sorry.” Tyler muttered without much feeling or emotion, his hands at his sides. He breathlessly brought his hands back up to a safer spot - Josh’s bare chest and hovered there instead. 

 

Josh, for what it was worth, tried desperately not to groan. 

 

“You wanna though,” came Tyler's breathless answer.   


 

“Don’t you think we should maybe make it past day one without breaking the only real rule.” 

 

“You wanna though.” Tyler, again brought his hands down. Josh desperately tried to pull away. He only managed to grind his hips against Tyler’s. He hated it when he opened his mouth and only managed a broken response. 

 

“Seriously.” 

 

“Come on I just wanna help.” He whispered like it was a secret. Tyler's fingers skillfully wrapping around the tenting fabric. “J, please.” 

 

And for a minute Josh allowed it. He let himself melt into the touch and tried to forget his own rules, but he had to fight it.  He had to come back. There was a reason he’d asked for the abstinence. It was just hard to think about it when Tyler’s fingers knew exactly how to work his cock. 

 

“Tyler, please.” His own set of secrets hushed out through pursed lips. 

 

“Tyler please what?” He teased, his hand stroking softly. The smile was already twisted inside his voice.   


 

“Please stop.” Josh groaned. Again he tried to pull his body away and this time Tyler allowed it. Allowed Josh to sink silently into the bed and away from his hands. 

 

“Okay, so I can't touch you?” Tyler pulled away in his own direction, leaning up. He sat upright. The air was too thick to breath easily. The AC didn’t help anymore, instead only pushed around the weight of the heat in the room. 

 

“Just not right now. I wouldn't…” 

 

They don't have the finish the thought, if they started it wouldn't end.  Tyler nodded. Josh sighed and let his head sink into the pillows. 

 

“You need something though.” Ty said softly, almost to himself. 

 

“Huh?” 

 

“That's not just gonna go away.” Tyler nods in the direction of Josh's dick, still standing obnoxious and ignored under his jeans. 

 

“Well I'll just wait it out.” 

 

“Or…”

 

“Or?” 

 

“You can touch yourself right? I won't do anything.” 

 

The bottom of Josh stomach plummeted into a free fall.  He felt just a little ill, his mind rocking. He didn’t really want to, but his cock was leaking already. He needed some kind of release and he’d just hoped he could duck into the bathroom for a few minutes. Now it was off the table. Tyler has spotted him, has seen through the vision of Josh being so innocent. The gig was up.   


 

“I promise I won’t touch you - at all. If you don’t want it.”

 

“I want it. But - “

 

“Yeah, okay. I won’t do it. I get it. Just, come on, J. You should.”  Ty rocked back on his legs, his eyes wide in mock innocence. “I wanna watch - please.” 

 

Josh groaned - again. It seemed to be the only thing coming out of his mouth anymore, heavy sighs and groans. He was disgusted with himself. Alternating between his sickness for rules and sickness for friction.   


 

“I don’t think I could if you were  - uh - watching me?” He shuts his eyes and tries to calm himself, even his breathing out. 

 

“Pretend I’m not here. Or do you want me to talk? Like I’m doing another video again?” His voice is so soft it’s swallowed by the pillows. “I remember you telling me all about that. How it worked really well. And really if you think about it, it’s not exactly fair. You’ve seen me but I’ve never seen you.”

 

“You’ve seen me - before.” 

 

“I haven’t seen  you make yourself come. Never ever, not all by yourself. Please.” His face was flushed, his own shorts bulging. It only made Josh's cock strain harder, he against felt disgusted but it mingled with lust and made his whole body ache.   


 

“You really want to just watch me, like get off?” 

 

“Yeah. I do. Please.” 

 

It was a feat in and of itself to make him beg for anything and the repeated pleading only worked in weakening Josh’s already flimsy will. Which is how he ended up with his shorts tucked around his thighs, his hand on his cock. He unceremoniously ground his hips down into the pillow he was sitting on - once again Tyler’s suggestion. 

 

“Like this?” He asked - Albeit a little breathlessly. It did in a way feel good. Something he'd never thought to try himself. 

 

“Just a thought, it's your show, J.” Tyler whispered from what seemed to be across the room. He had decided the best place for him would be off the bed, too close might mean contact. He couldn't help it to reach out and touch when the sight was too much. 

 

Josh tentatively stroked himself again, gently with his fingers fanning out at the end. He sighs. It’s all a display and he mostly feels embarrassment mixed with some kind of disgusting longing sticking around inside his gut. He wanted to watch Ty, instead he shut his eyes. He ground against the pillow and it seemed to finally be hitting some kind of spot. He picked up the pace of his hands, slick with sweat and spit. 

 

There was something about the stuffy air heating him from the inside out, his mind blanking for a few minutes. The only noises were his messy gasps and his own skin against skin. 

 

“You are fucking beautiful.” Came the voice from across the room, panting itself. Josh opened his eyes, he had completely forgotten where he was, what he was doing, who else was in the room with him. 

 

Tyler was there, with his own hand on his cock, watching with wide eyes and damp lips at the sight before him. 

 

Josh flushed, his whole body a deep red that seemed to reach his toes without difficulty. 

 

“Don’t stop, please.” Tyler moaned, half to himself and Josh couldn’t help but start up again, his eyes shutting again. He lazily rolled his hips while his palm threatened to tug the very skin off his cock. 

 

So close he turned to one of his favorite images, Tyler with his legs spread on his desk, eyes glued on himself, face so open and fucked out. 

 

He came onto his stomach, the pillow, the sheets. He leaned back, exhausted. He didn’t even open his eyes again until Tyler spoke. 

 

“What were you thinking about?”  He sounded calmer, so Josh had assumed he’d finished himself, could picture it if he wanted to but knew once his mind traveled that path there was no going back. So he decided to just be honest. 

 

“You.”

 

***  


 

With the sun setting the breeze picked up and they had decided to sit in the side yard and start a fire. Tyler pulled long dry planks from some shed at the edges of the property and started the slow blaze. 

 

They sat, huddled and looking at the flames licking up at the darkening sky. The water lapped in the distance. Tyler’s arm around his shoulder was warm. The memories of the day faded to a strange day dream.   


 

“Ask me something.” He mouthed, he flexed his fingers. 

 

“Like what?”

 

“Anything, you wanted to talk.”

 

“Um. I don’t know honestly, I don’t even know where to start.” 

 

“Where ever you want.” 

 

“Okay,” Josh’s eyes stayed on the orange and yellow. They danced. He took a risk. “Why are you with me?” 

 

“I like you.” 

 

“Why?” 

 

“Why wouldn’t I?” Tyler’s flippant answer didn’t assist in taking any steps towards a healthy relationship, instead only further pushed Josh away. He leaned away from the arm around his shoulder. 

 

“No, really. Like you just come into my life, ruin everything and  - “ 

 

“Ruin everything? Like what?” 

 

“Me. You completely fucked me up if you haven’t noticed. I know I’m sort of just an ant to you but I mean other people see it.” 

 

“Joshua, you matter.” 

 

“Oh, right. Why. Why do I matter to you?” 

 

“Like I said, I like you. I’m not sure what else there is.” 

 

The conversation seems to end there and the two sit in silence, staring at nothing until the night turns black, until the owls and late night animals scream into the darkness, until even the embers fade out. Then they go into the house, crawl semi naked into bed and fall into a sleep neither will claim felt restful. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i take it back, sundays suck because the liquor stores around here are mostly closed. [i might be drunk - sorry for spelling]


	4. III

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> day 3

 

 

Josh’s fingers grip the sheets, his mouth buried inside the Tyler scented pillow. He shuts his eyes and groans as Ty fucks him.

 

“That good, baby?” He hears behind him but from far away. He nods his head - terrible at talking and Ty presses into him further. “That’s good.” Same words, new meaning as he’s stretched and filled and fucked. He lets himself get lost inside the sensation. 

 

He rubs his cock against the sheets under him, the friction delicious while rocking back into the thrusts.  He grinds his hips against the assault. The headboard slams against the wall and leaves marks where the wood meets paint. The little scuff marks of the battle. He wants Ty to come first, wants to outlast him but it’s so hard, impossibly hard sometimes as he struggles, his hands wringing each other uselessly. The joints of each knuckle pop. He forces himself to think of other things, pulling himself back into his mind. He needs this.

 

“Fuck, J. Hold on.” Ty says, his fingers pressing into Josh’s hips and pushing him towards the edge of the bed. Josh cooperates and ends up with both arms off the bed, his entire upper torso supported only by his limbs as he poses mid push up. From this angle Tyler can get deeper, much deeper, angling himself just right. It’s so fucking nice with his cock stuck between his bare skin and the smooth bedding and the pressure of Ty just holding him down.

 

“You close?” He asks, mostly out of habit. He knows when Tyler is close, can tell by his actions, his voice, his breathing. He’s close.

 

“Oh you know I am baby. Stay just like that.” Tyler's fingers press angry white indents into his bare back. Josh tries not to moan too loudly, then remembers nobody is around for miles and lets it out. It’s throaty and raw and feels too good to keep stuck inside his body. Ty shivers behind and inside him. He wants to scream, black dots hovering at the edges of his vision every time Ty uses the new angle to his advantage.

 

He needs to come, with or without Tyler and it’ll only take a few more thrusts, just a handful more and -

 

He wakes up. Sweating, panting, as sore as if he had run a 5k. He’s out of breath and the first physical sensation he has is that he is completely rock hard and desperate to be touched. Anyone and anything will work in the moment but instead he’s met with Tyler, sitting up in bed and pulling his socks over his bare toes. Somewhere inside Josh's half sleeping head he assumes they actually just finished and that he'd blacked out. Gone off and missed the best part of the show.

 

“Never thought you were getting up.” Tyler mumbles without looking over his shoulder. “I wouldn’t want to either with the dream you must have been having.” It sounds carefree but Josh can’t see his face and doesn’t understand sarcasm with his head still foggy. It's starting to come together, however, that maybe the perfect sex didn't exactly happen.

 

“I...did I say something?” Josh asks, rubbing his palms against his eyes. 

 

“Just the usual,” Tyler says, reaching over and picking up his sneakers. He begins to tie them almost overly careful as if he’s trying to distract himself. “You know, ‘Oh Tyler, fuck me harder, right there, fuck me.’” His voice pitches higher mockingly and Josh is red from toes to ears - his cock doesn’t care or mind though and he feels cheated. “I mean I would help, but...well you know.” Tyler laughs and it’s not pleasant.

 

It sounds like he wants to spit. Josh stays silent, disgusted with himself for what he knows won't be the last time.

 

“Sorry.”

 

“It's fine.” As if those words can erase the actions, the chemicals brewing between the two. The eruption that is coming, if they want it or not.

 

-

 

Josh watched as Tyler pouted, sucked his lower lip between his teeth. The sun hit all the right spots and highlighted him like an angel. Josh wanted to roll his eyes just thinking of Ty as an angel.

 

The wood was icy cold under his legs as he chewed a Slim Jim.

 

“So, you gonna answer?”

 

“I'm thinking.”

 

“Not that hard.”

 

Tyler huffed, his legs dipped into the water, splashing gently.

 

“Okay, I mean I guess you are my type? Sort of. I don't have a type. I like who I like, but I like people who are...um”

 

“Dumb?”

 

“Innocent?” They both spoke at once meeting in the middle. Josh licked the oil off his fingertips, discarding the Slim Jim wrapper inside Tyler's shoe. Tyler watches with neutral eyes.

 

“I like you, J. A lot.”

 

“I'm just trying to understand why.”

 

“There's a lot of like, silly nonsense reasons.”

 

Josh wanted to cry. The wind picking up his hair, his stupid fucking dreams, the way the water sounded around Tyler's bare ankles. It was all suddenly overwhelming. It was like Tyler knew. Normally he would stop. He had Josh, caught his prey. He didn't need to pursue any more with cute phrases and pet names. He did anyway.

 

“I like how your eyes crinkle up when your happy.”

 

“They look stupid.” Josh said, rubbing the pad of his thumb against said body part. If Tyler asked he'd claim allergies. Tyler didn't ask, just pushed on.

 

“I like how your hair curls in the back.”

 

Josh reached back, feeling the thick strands poking up. He hated his hair. Tyler inched closer, pulling his knees out of the water. Drops crashed on the dock like rain.

 

“I like how you sound when I kiss you.”

 

“How's that? Probably sound like an idiot.” This time he couldn't help it, his eyes rolled by themselves.

 

“No, you sound like you like me too.” He inched ever closer, his bare skin on his legs touching Josh's. It’s an electric touch. Every inch of hair standing straight up from the cool air.

 

“Like you? Like me? Why can’t you ever just…”

 

“Just what?” Tyler asks like it’s a secret, dangerously close. 

 

Josh wants to say something witty, but he’s cut off by the thick pouting lips touching his gently. It’s soft and sweet and they melt into his nicely. It’s something they’ve had forever and a day, this feeling. They've kissed for hours. When Tyler pulls back it’s like he’s expecting something, his eyes search Josh’s face. He’s waiting for a response. Now is his time to talk.

 

He slips into the water, fully clothed and pulls Tyler in behind him, tugging on his body with all his strength and they fall into the easy waves. It’s icy cold and the sun is barely touching them through the trees. Yesterday’s heat is a forgotten memory.  Josh wants Tyler to say it first. Wants just this once to be the one who holds out. Tyler knows how Josh feels, Josh just wants verbal confirmation that Tyler feels the same. He can wait. They still have a few more days. He wraps his legs around Ty’s in the water.

 

This time Josh kisses first.

 

-

 

They lay on the living room floor on beach towels. The TV still doesn’t work but they had found an old radio upstairs and it plays all the oldies. It has all the knobs and it's made of some kind of dark wood. It looks like an antique. There’s something about old music that makes spring break turn into summer.

 

“Ohhhh Brandyyyyy-” Tyler croons. “You’re a fine girl. What a goooood wife you would be.” He flips onto his stomach and cups Josh’s face. They burst into laughter together as Tyler hits all the notes and hums along to the rest of the song. Neither can recall many of the other words. “Huhhhh something about a seaaaaa” Tyler sings. His voice is molasses and Josh is hooked suddenly.

 

“I never knew you could sing.” Josh finally manages, twisting in Tyler's fingers. “You’re really good.” Tyler shakes his head from side to side quickly, as the song fades and is replaced. Something just as old, with lyrics to be managed all the same.

 

“I think we have some Brandy somewhere.” Tyler answers, instead of talking about it. He sits up on the towels, his clothes still damp.

 

“Dunno if I like Brandy. Why don’t you ever sing more?”

 

“Never know until you try it.” Comes his reply as he stands, moves towards the liquor cabinet. Tyler doesn’t sing as he pops open the drawers and looks through it. He pulls out a glass bottle. Josh is confused about what his words mean. Double taking his way through life as always.

 

“You should sing more.” He props himself on his elbows, his eyes tracking Tyler’s silent movements.

 

“Try this.” He hands the bottle over, Josh looks at it.

 

“Not until you sing more.” Tyler looks resigned, tired for a second. He nods.

 

“Drive with me.”

 

-

 

It’s sunset and Tyler is screaming with the windows rolled down. It’s CCR, Run Through the Jungle, and it’s not being sung any way Josh has ever heard. Tyler is wailing, his voice so high and raw. He only pauses during harmonica solos. They've been driving for such a long time that there's only a few splashes of amber liquid still sloshing around the bottom of bottle between Josh's legs.

 

The trees are flying past them and instead of driving towards any kind of town they’re just racing around the water, deeper into woods were the houses spread farther apart and look worn down.  They look the way Josh feels. Tyler's torn screams make him different though, a caterpillar turned into a butterfly.  Josh is watching magic.

 

It seems like anything that comes on the radio station no matter what they tune it to Tyler knows the words to, no more half humming lyrics and slurring his way through a verse. He’s all out. His hands shake on the steering wheel. His eyes stick to the road ahead. They're pushing 70 on the dirt roads, hitting pot holes so fast they float for a few moments.

 

He sings. He screams. His voice shakes. It’s not cute anymore. It’s almost scary. It’s beautiful though, the way his lips tremble but the sounds that come out are utterly human. A station is playing Brand New, Jesus Christ. And finally he sings, just sings. His voice matching the pitch and rhythm and Josh watches and drinks what’s left of the brandy, his breath sour and the car far too hot. When the song ends Tyler clicks the station off, the silence overbearing after the onslaught of the night. 

 

It’s only then that they both understand the car is parked. They look out at the water before them, the sun just a thin strand of orange sinking slowly on the horizon. Ty opens the car door and gets out, sits on the grass in front of them. They’re not in any kind of parking spot, just pulled over somewhere in the woods, pitch black, the car wedged in between some trees.

 

Josh leaves the empty bottle rolling on the floor of the passenger's side and sits down next to him. They don’t have to talk about what just happened. It was personal. It was something nobody has seen, something nobody knows about. It’s guilt. It’s shame. It’s pride and determination and later Josh will find out is the one thing Tyler has. The one thing Tyler keeps to himself.

 

Late nights with loud music and his own vocal chords contorting inside his throat.

 

Nobody else will have that.  Now it's Josh's too. It's better than stupid words. It means more than just saying _I love you._ Josh knows it. Understands it inside his bones that this was a moment. They don’t say much, it’s a comfortable silence. Somewhere a bird sings and even in the night it’s not terrifying. It’s perfect.

 

That night they sleep under the stars with nothing around them but each other’s arms.  

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> basically I called it "being on tour" and was gone for almost two months. I wrote some things. I will try to update this when I can. I promise. I have more in me yet. as always I love comments, tell me what I'm doing right / wrong / terribly. And always, thank you for reading <3


	5. IV.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> day four.

 

Josh woke up first, which was strange. His head was stuffy, his arms were freezing. There was a humidity in the air but the dew on the grass coated his bare skin and he shuddered.

 

Confusion was fleeting as he pieced together the late night drive. Tyler’s voice screaming lyrics into the midnight colored world haunted him. He looked over at his friend, boyfriend, fuckboy, whatever you wanted to label it. He was resting with his eyes shut in the grass, his white shirt stained green. One arm was outstretched - searching it seemed for Josh. The other was curled around himself, goosebumps prickled up across every inch of his exposed skin.

 

Josh didn’t want to wake him up but longed to get back to the house. He needed dry clothes, a shower, a blanket. He wanted a hot cup of coffee - black and warming him from the inside out. The things he wants weight on his mind heavily as he watches Tyler. He’s the vulnerable one for once, stretched out in the patch of morning sun like a cat. His lips are chapped. The skin near his hair is oily. Red patches of bare skin near his ears shine in the overly bright lights.

 

Josh wants to wake him up on some level. Wants to shrug him awake and move on with life. They need to talk, but there’s some piece of the magic from last night still clinging to his clothes. Maybe it’s the mist just hovering over the grass or the birds that don’t seem nearly as loud or annoying out here in the woods. He's never camped and this is brand new, a spell still cast over the pair and the entire world around them. 

 

He stands carefully, he strips off his shoes, then socks. He’s never been a child to run barefoot through the forest.

 

Tyler has changed him.

 

The soil under his feet feels liberating, his toes sink into the Earth. It’s cold but not like stepping into ice. It’s like melting back into yourself and he allows his toes to wriggle in the dirt. Long blades tickle his ankles and it’s such a strange feeling. It’s so nice, one of the nicest things he’s ever had happen to him in his life. Overloaded is the word he would use to describe how he feels in the moment. 

 

He doesn’t notice anything really until Tyler is on him, bringing his arms around him and his voice still thick with dreams is whispering in his ear that everything is okay.

 

“Please, please stop crying. Don’t cry. Don’t wanna see you crying. What happened?” He begs in his cracking morning voice. 

 

It’s hard to explain, nearly impossible actually. He’s not really sad, but it’s a mixture of things. There’s this love that’s threatening to burst from his body and it’s so overwhelming. Everything is overwhelming, the sunrise on the water, the morning dew, the way Tyler’s singing haunts his mind like a ghost story. He can’t even begin to explain it.

 

He ends up sitting on the hood of the rental car, sobbing as he crushes Tyler’s mouth with his. He just wants to feel this moment for the rest of his life. He wants to look back and see this in perfect clarity. Time can take his graduation and his happiest days but he wants to beg the Earth to stop spinning, freeze on this second. Keep it here so nothing moves even an inch. The sour good morning breath of Ty's mouth, the sounds, the soft metallic feel of the car under him.

 

“You are so weird.” Tyler mumbles when they pull away for a second, salty tears still streaking down Josh’s face. He thumbs them away.

 

“Am not.”

 

“Are too.” Tyler protests, returning to the kiss. “Why do you hate me so much?” He asks into the cave of Josh’s open maw.

 

“Don’t hate you.” He says back, his hands pulling and pushing and utterly unsure what they want. This is the moment. This is the second he can say it, admit it. But he can’t, can only press his lips back into the moment and forget words for a few more seconds.

 

Tyler laughs.

  
-

 

It’s noon before they find their way back to the house, the radio turned off like a cursed item. Ty's taken too many wrong turns, both phones are dead from staying on overnight.

 

“Can we go back sometime?” Josh asks, his legs tucked under him in the front seat when they finally pull into the driveway. The empty glass bottle rolls around on the floor of the car.

  


“Yeah, anytime.” Tyler says emotionlessly, his eyes focused ahead.

  


-

 

The emotionless Tyler sticks around most of the day. Josh decides to ignore it, last night was a drain on both of them but he still feels a bit like a frayed wire. Static bursting from him at random. He feels raw and on edge. The tears still make a home behind his eyes and he ignores those too. 

 

He wants to say something, make the night real. It seems far from something that happened, if anything it seems like a fantasy,  but the green stains on their clothing, mostly empty tank of gas and mosquito bites up and down his arm say otherwise. Instead he stills and stalls.

 

Josh cooks a late lunch for the two of them. He makes grilled cheese on stale bread with too much American cheese. He stirs vegetable soup from a can into a rusty pot on the stove. Tyler's phone has died and won't turn on no matter how long he leaves it plugged in, the cover still dewy. He drops it inside a bowl of rice and stares into the distance.

 

“Do you believe in aliens?” Josh asks, his fingers pushing a wooden spoon around the pot while he eyeballs the sandwiches. He tries to focus on it, ignore Tyler. It’s easy and impossible all at once.

 

“I guess.”  Tyler sits on the edge of the counter top and watches the floor.  

 

“You guess?”

 

“I guess.” He sounds far away. Josh keeps it up though.

 

“Why only you guess and not yes or no?”

 

“Dunno.” He answers. His hair had been trimmed before the break and he reaches up to play with a strand  before realizing it's not there. He lowers his hand, his eyes never really change.

 

“Well okay, talk to me about it.” Josh says, flipping a sandwich. His is barely toasted but Tyler likes his dark, the edges smoking and black.

 

“Never had to really think about it.”

 

“Are you afraid?”

 

“No.” Tyler pushes his hand into his lap trying to stop the urge to play with phantom locks. It's not short and he's far from bald, but the curly little strands that had poked up are MIA and he's lost without them.

 

“How about ghosts?”

 

“I guess.” Tyler answers as noncommittal as before.

 

“Scared of those?”

 

“Not really?”

 

Tyler answers the question with a question free of emotion or ridicule. It's empty. There's nothing there.

 

“How about Bigfoot?”

 

“I don't think so.”

 

“Yetis?”

 

“Aren't those the same as a Bigfoot?”

 

“We'll sort of but different. Like a black bear and a panda are both bears but different species.” Josh stirs the soup, eyes the grilled cheese waiting for the edges to turn dark and Tyler makes some kind of indifferent noise. Josh wants to cry, suddenly. “Kinda like us.” He follows up. Tyler either ignores the comment or doesn't hear it.

 

After that the questions stop, and Tyler doesn't even seem to notice.

 

-

 

The rice didn't work, at least not entirely. His phone will turn on. It can receive texts but not send them. Make calls but is unable to answer them. Only half the keyboard loads. He makes Josh try for an hour, calling and recalling. Sending texts, pictures, voice mails. They go back and forth sending and receiving to little effect until they both give in.

 

Tyler calls his mom for the first time in days to tell her this. If Josh has left his phone in the rain all night, no excuse would get him a new one. His mother would insist he buy his own. The only time for an upgrade was when AT&T told her it was time.

 

Kelly laughs on the phone, like it's something funny. A joke. But she promises when he comes back he'll have a new one before school starts and Josh feels something akin to the color green inside his stomach.

 

-

 

“Why do you hate me?” Tyler asks again. The sun has gone down and his phone is floating face up in the lake. They both silently stare at it. Josh sips his drink, it tastes sweet and delicious and he isn't sure how much he’s had but he knows it’s more than enough. He can't remember exactly why he threw the broken electronic in the water even if it only happened minutes ago. It feels like a lifetime has passed. He forgets the question Tyler asks inside his own head. 

 

“Why do you always make me drink?”

 

“I don’t make you drink.” Tyler says, taking a sip of his own drink. They’re sipping out of plastic cups decorated with teletubbies. They can’t find the china and don’t trust themselves anymore even if they could find it. It’s okay. They only had a little fight. The phone floats silently.

 

“I always drink when I’m with you. I don’t drink alone.”

 

“Okay, cool so you’re not an alcoholic.”

 

“I don’t drink around my other friends.”

 

“What other friends?” Tyler asks. They both laugh.

 

It’s not funny at all but Josh can’t stop looking at the dark screen reflecting the moon as it floats on the water.  It’s a reminder of Tyler. Even if it sank to the bottom of the ocean it would just get replaced. It doesn’t matter.  

 

“Okay. Okay.” He says, agreeing. “But I only drink with you.”

 

“Because you’re afraid.”

 

“Of what?”

 

“What are you afraid of Josh?” Tyler asks. He’s sitting just out of arm's reach, but inches closer. “Tell me what scares you.” He insists, his voice gets low and dangerous and it’s the closest thing to emotion Josh has heard since he woke up.

 

“This is disgusting.” Josh says, not only dumping his cup into the water but tossing the plastic into the water after it. It floats towards the Iphone. He watches Tyler watching the slow journey.

 

“What are you afraid of?”

 

“A lot of things. The ocean. Sharks. Aliens. Space. Dying.”

 

“Me.” Tyler fills in. He’s too close and this has happened too many times in the past few days. This moment where they inch until -

 

“Not you.” Josh insists, pulling himself back from the moment, his head a foggy mess. “Why do you make me drink?”

 

“To forget your feelings.”

 

“You’re fucking drunk,” Josh replies. To be fair he is. They both are. Josh less than Ty, which is odd. The effects are still abundant.

 

“Maybe. But I’m not afraid.” Tyler whispers. The sound of the water is calming and terrifying at the same time. Josh wants to drown rather than have this conversation. “I’m not scared of you. Of this.” He moves his hands around in the air, treating it like the waves.

 

“I’m not afraid.”

 

“You are. You don’t want to get your heart broken and you think I will.” Tyler’s eyes don’t waver, they stay on Josh’s until finally he pulls away, feeling almost weak. “I might.”

 

“Why would you?”

 

“Prove a point I guess.” He takes another drink, watches Josh’s cup bump into his dead phone. He finishes his drink in one long sip then throws his own cup in the water. “Why’d you throw my phone?”

 

“I do hate you.” Josh says, folding his arms over each other. Tyler is on him in seconds, straddling his lap.

 

“Do you?” He asks, his face so close and dangerous in the dark. It’s a threat right there in his face.  It's like a knife to the throat or a gun to his head.

 

“Yes.” He wants to spit, wants to scream. Instead he feels Tyler’s tongue invade his mouth. Searching around, desperate. It’s too much, he wants to push him off but instead pulls him in, biting his bottom lip, relishing the groan he gets.

 

“If you hate me you should fuck me.” Tyler says in between gasps. “To prove a point.”

 

“No.” Josh sighs because the truth is he doesn’t. They both know it. They both get it. They understand. It’s terrible.  It’s middle ground. It’s a truce.  

 

“Okay.”

 

“Okay.”

  


Josh bites his lip, sucks his tongue, licks his teeth like an animal in the moonlight. He feels feral. He wants to possess the body on his lap and overpower it. Make it bend and curve and listen to him for once.  He can’t though. And the body squirms and moves and writhes and grinds against his lap with a mind of it’s own.

 

“Why do you fuck with me?” Josh asks, finally. Sweat drips from his brow, collects between his eyes, slides down his nose. Tyler licks it off.

 

“Because I can.” He says, smacking his lips. “To prove a point.”

 

“And you’re afraid.” Josh understands things clicking into his head. Fear drives the most basic impulses. 

 

“No.”

 

“You are. Of this. Of us.” Josh laughs right in his face, the irony of it bearing down on them both. 

 

Tyler fights back, catching Josh’s bottom lip between his teeth, tearing away with blood drops staining his chin. It’s okay. It’s as good as admission of guilt. Now it’s Tyler’s turn.

 

“I hate you.”

 

They don’t fuck because Josh still won’t allow it. If there was ever a time it would be then, under the stars wanting to tear each other apart and the invincible feeling rushing through their veins of being young and dumb and unable to just talk to each other. Instead they don’t. Josh won’t allow it. He has his standards.

 

Because he doesn’t hate Tyler at all.

 

Because Tyler doesn’t hate Josh, not even an inch.

 

But the moonlight is toxic and Josh falls backwards, feeling Tyler collapsing on him, his lips grazing his face all over. Salty tears and blood and sweat drip to his mouth and something feels foreign about the moment. Words barely on the tip of his tongue.

 

It’s a broken cell phone. It’s a scream to the stars. It’s a bad dream in the forest. He stays silent.

 

There’s only a few more hours left to prove a point.  

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> not 100% happy with this one. ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯


	6. V

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> day five.

 

 

The night blended into the morning and neither slept. Instead they sat up in the attic of the lakehouse surrounded by cobwebs, clutter, and forgotten summer relics and they finally talked. 

 

“Okay, okay.” Tyler began for the hundredth time, his words still slurry. “Would you rather pick when you die or how you die.” He leaned back and watched Josh who chewed his lip. He contemplated the options over and over again as if it mattered. It did, somehow. What he told Tyler was truth, lies wouldn't do.   


 

“That’s hard. Probably how.” Josh decided. Tyler was still a little blurry around the edges but things were coming into focus slowly. It was amusing to watch at least.   


 

“So it could happen at any time as long as you decided how.” 

 

“Well I mean I’d rather it not be tomorrow or today, but I’d rather go peacefully on my own terms tomorrow then get like burned alive in ten years.”

 

Tyler laughed, loudly and it rang between Josh’s ears as crisp as a bell. 

 

“So in your mind you only have a ten year expectancy?”   


 

“Well I said I was here for a good time, not a long time.” 

 

Tyler laughed again, falling to his side in the dusty piles of the forgotten room. “Your turn, your turn.” He insisted, attempting to right himself before giving up and laying on his back. 

 

“If you never had to sleep what would you do with all the extra time?” Josh asked, Tyler hummed inside his throat then sat up. 

 

“Make a band, learn a weird instrument, tour the world. Win a Grammy.” His mouth formed a straight line, his face a mask of seriousness. Then he cracked, laughing again. “No, really. Probably fuck you. Or you know, just spend more time with you. Talk to you. Learn all the weird ways you’d want to die.” 

 

“I don't want to die.” 

 

“Never said you did.” 

 

“That'd be nice though.” 

 

“Dying?” 

 

“No, more time. To talk.” 

 

“We're talking right now.” Tyler said, the corners of his mouth screwing up momentarily. “Ask me something else.” Josh forgets it's not his turn to ask a question and fires one off anyway.   


 

“If you could only drink one thing for the rest of your life what would it be?” 

 

“Red Bull.” 

 

“Ew.” Josh says, his nose turning up for a second. “Isn’t there like bull cum in that?” 

 

“Joshua, do you live in 2005 or something? Like no. There’s nothing in there, that’s a legend.” Tyler sets his mouth into a firm line again. This time in seriousness.   


 

“Nothing in there?” Josh quirks one eyebrow up, "then why not call it water?"   


 

“I mean like there's caffeine and sugar and stuff. There is stuff in there, just nothing like that.” Tyler looks personally offended by the suggestion that his favorite beverage might contain something unsavory. “If you had to get a piercing other than your ears what would you get?” It’s like he’s never missing a beat.  Josh has to think for a second, has to wonder what he’d get pierced. 

 

“Maybe a nipple.” Now it's Tyler's turn to screw up his eyebrows and look surprised.   


 

“Jesus, Josh. Didn’t see that one coming. Why the hell?” 

 

“It’s the easiest to hide from my mom.” It’s a shameful answer, but a true one. Josh can’t help the red that spreads to his cheeks. 

 

“If you were like, I don’t know, twenty eight or nine or something and you didn’t life with your mom anymore. What would you get?” 

 

“Probably my nose, or my lip. Never my eyebrow.” Josh decides, trying to picture himself with a facial piercing and draws up a blank instead. It would probably always be off center and infected. It would be a pain...and it would hurt.   


 

“Good call on the eyebrow thing. Looks weird. On everyone.” Tyler nods his approval. “Your turn.” 

 

“Okay, real talk, how many people have you had sex with this year?” Josh felt his own heart skipping beats. Nipple rings and moms forgotten for a second. 

 

“More than twenty, less than one hundred.” Tyler laughed, clutching his sides. “Real talk. Just one.” 

 

“If we were on Maury would you pass a lie detector test?” Josh asks even as he smiles. Just one, he thinks. Only one. Only him. Just him. One is his new favorite number.   


 

“I’d hope so.” Tyler smiles back. “When you go to hotels do you steal all the soaps and shampoos and stuff?”

 

“Never been in a hotel.” Josh admits, and Tyler - he’s just exactly the Tyler that Josh fell for in the beginning. His eyes are too wide and innocent, his face is too trusting and rounded around the edges. He's willing to teach Josh a trick or two. Wants to show him things, wants to take him by the hand and let him learn.  It’s like the magic words have been cast. 

 

“Next break I’m going to take you to a hotel, or a motel, or whatever. We’ve gotta change that.” He laughs, Josh laughs. They ask each other stupid questions until the sun starts to rise. 

 

-  


 

“I’m getting tired.” Tyler yawns and his words are distorted but Josh understands the meaning. Yellow light burns his eyelids red and he turns over and buries his face in the covers.  “Don’t wanna go to sleep though, don’t wanna waste time, wanna talk to you more.” 

 

There were a lot of revelations. A lightening round of revealed favorites and some deep thoughts on hidden fears.  

 

Now Josh knows the keys to Tyler’s heart lays in the color yellow, the smell of greasy pizza and sugar cookies. He knows his favorite time of day is after the sun sets and before three am. That he can play the piano but doesn’t because it’s what his mom would want him to do. There’s layers. There’s a fear of failure and being a disappointment and becoming bald. He hates his forehead and front teeth and fingers and ankles and his confidence is a front. He likes his eyes and his biceps. He loves to dance. Loves to sing. Loves to scream in the backyard at random hours of the day. He wants somebody to understand him and notice him and know he’s there. 

 

“We can talk when we wake up. It’ll only be a nap.” Josh whispers to the blankets. It's been hours since they've taken a break and with the sun high in the sky with sleepy eyes they had crawled down the steps and into the master bedroom. They stretched like lazy cats across the unmade sheets and whispered to each other until their tired limbs won't support them anymore.  He promises himself they’ll still be open, still be able to confess likes and dislikes. There’s a fear there that when he opens his eyes again they’ll be back to how they were. Separate people. He never wants to run out of useless Tyler facts. _Useful_ Tyler facts.

 

Wants to tell Tyler he likes green post it notes the best, throws up from too many sweet tarts, never learned to swim until he was twelve. Wants to whisper that his toes are ticklish and he’s never broken a bone before. He wants to let him know wolves scare him for no real reason the way sharks and tall trees scare him. He wants to tell him he likes pink, and red, and blue and green and yellow. Wants to let him know he could listen to him sing for the rest of his life and he’d never be tired of it. 

 

When he angles his head just right and cracks his eye open to sneak a peak he finds Tyler already asleep. Completely dead to the world with his mouth slack and slightly open. He’s not snoring, just breathing through his mouth and it’s a really nice picture. 

 

It’s something he knows he’ll store forever and ever and nothing can take it away. 

 

-  


 

Josh wakes up alone and grey. It’s raining. Pouring actually and the thunder rumbles as lightning cracks across the sky. Time is lost when the world is between light and dark. It’s not weird waking up in the bed alone, he’s used to it almost. Tyler’s indent is still there, near him but just a ghost. 

 

-  


 

“I didn’t know you didn’t like the rain.” 

 

“I like the rain.” Tyler’s sipping tea, steam billowing off it and Josh wants to rip the cup from his hands. It seems like he doesn’t care or notice how hot it must be while he drinks it. Every crack that shakes the house Tyler sips. “Don’t like that.” 

 

“Lots of people hate thunder and lightening.” 

 

“Never said I hate it.”

 

“Okay.” Josh says, not understanding all the way but still trying. Tyler sits wrapped in a blanket and shudders when the world booms outside the windows.  He looks so uncomfortable, and Josh - well Josh’s heart is still so full to bursting with secrets and revelations that he can’t help it. “Can I help?” 

 

“You gonna stop the - “ Tyler gestures to the window, the pelting rain, the noises. His voice isn’t mocking or rude, it’s tired and sad and full of his own discomfort. His eyes are red and it's clear while Josh enjoyed the sleep; however brief, Tyler probably didn't receive as much. 

 

“Distract you maybe?” 

 

“Hm?” 

 

Josh sinks to his knees in front of Tyler, it’s easily and naturally one of the things he does best. He inches closer and tugs the blanket off his friend, only in his t shirt and boxers.  Tyler does a full body shudder and Josh can’t seem to place if it’s from the storm or the closeness.  It doesn’t matter when his fingers touch the warm bared skin of his thighs.   


 

“Don’t.” Tyler hushes softly, and the storm is almost forgotten without any actual action being taken. 

 

“It’s okay.”

 

“You wanted - “ 

 

“I’ll work around it.” And sure enough Josh has come with his idea in hand in order to avoid the actual sex, the touching and contact and skin to skin that could ruin the whole trip. He takes a pause and looks for a second at the tenting boxers. He takes in the stretching soft fabric, the miniature drops of transparent fluid leaking from underneath. It's clear that his hardness is new and Josh feels like he can control the world. All he did was get on his knees, he hasn't done much else but Tyler's body is ready and willing within seconds. It's a head-rush in and of itself.   


 

He licks the fabric, tastes the cotton and soap. He knows enough to understand how this is done but feigns near innocence. He works his mouth with precision, sucking the fabric so he can just get one swallow of the skin underneath. Tyler’s breathing hitches, it’s like it’s his first time and the noises outside crash but it’s so far away like it’s on another planet. The light is dim and the world is cooled but between the two of them is heated and lit well enough.   


 

“That’s - that’s good.” Ty says, his fingers finding a home inside the unruly humidity caused curls of Josh’s dark hair. He hums his contentment into the material inside his mouth, feels the cock twitching it’s appreciation.  It is good, he’s sure. It’s been days, which seems like nothing to most but somebody receiving the physical attention on a near daily basis for months  this break has seemed like years. “Please.” He begs, raspy inside his throat. Now that’s good. Josh wonders if Tyler will let him sulk off to the bathroom when it's all said and done so he can just finish himself off to the memory of Tyler's breathless begging.

 

He sucks a wet patch right through, until the grey is nearly invisible. It’s saturated and sticky and dries his mouth but the little hiccup sighs Tyler lets out is worth it. He’s never had this much of an impact and it’s a total role reversal to have so much power with just his mouth. He thinks back faintly to bruises and fists but even that was a forced exchange, this is a willing submission.   


 

When he tears the orgasm through Tyler’s body, when he finally tastes the slowly growing stain of come, he knows he’s done something right. 

 

And the rain has stopped as if it was never there at all.   


 

-  


  
  


Tyler had let Josh go to the bathroom for his much needed ten minutes of alone time. He didn't have much to say, ended up half sprawled actors the carpeted floor with his soaking wet underwear and boneless body. 

 

The day is almost over though and there is a thought of a wasted twenty four hours lingering and souring the back of Josh's thoughts. 

 

One more day down, closer to the relationship he wants but still not exactly on the mark.  Josh comes thinking mixed thoughts in the bathroom, of favorite songs, muffled moans, the color yellow, and the taste of fabric softener. When he comes out Tyler is nearly asleep on the floor.   


 

Josh tugs the pillows off the couch, drags his feet to the bedroom to get the sheets and brings them back. He builds a fort around Tyler and crawls inside it, holding him in his arms until they both give in, soon they'll be home. 


	7. VI

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> tyler throws a wrench into the plans. josh isn't thrilled.

 

“It’s warm.”

 

“Yep.”

 

“Yep.”

 

The silence is deafening. The heat isn’t as bad as it had been, it’s nowhere near the crushing humidity that requires the AC on full blast, but it’s not cool either. It’s tolerable, unlike the tension. So they stand and watch each other with crossed arms from different spots inside the kitchen. The water laps at the dock softly through the open window. It's too much. All of it put together makes it become too much.   


 

“So.”

 

“So.” Josh mimics nearly every word Tyler can say. He has the tone of voice down to a science.   


 

“So, are we done?”

 

“Done?” It takes him a second, done is such a final word. A last name, a death sentence, not a descriptor. Not a relationship status.  

 

“Done here? With this.” Tyler gestures at himself, at the room, at the situation and the heat and the world itself and Josh is placed inside a vortex that takes him to day one. The  _ this _ in question so similar and yet different from a week ago. He recalls the look on Ty’s face, the nervous habit of sucking dirt from under his nails. He may not be a serial killer but he's just as dangerous as one.  

 

“This?” He ask for clarification and to buy himself time. His mind needs more minutes to work.  

 

“This nonsense.” Tyler confirms without clarifying what is exactly the nonsense. Josh? The house? Himself? The relationship? Once Josh would feel sorrow ebbing through him instead he feels anger. Tyler has for better or worse changed him. This week has opened his eyes and the things he wants are within reach, have been at least. 

 

“Nonsense?” Josh repeats. Somehow his mind spins and he can’t put words on his tongue. He can’t push them out, only parrot back what he hears. Vowels and syllables he’s heard seconds before.  

 

“Yeah,” Tyler won’t look him in the eyes. Nothing really matters, not the few hours left he was promised or his pounding heart or the burn inside his chest and eyes. 

 

“Yeah, ok.” Josh says, he crosses his arms, uncrosses them, takes the few strides across the room to the door and watches the water that’s more home to him now than ever before. It's calming. When he arrived it was scary but now it's just natural. He breathes deeply.  “What nonsense?”

 

“Just, this.” Ty is waving his arms around again. He’s stilted and his words _aren't_ so natural, they’re mechanical and bizarre. 

 

“Me?” Josh asks, he points to himself as if he didn’t he wouldn’t be understood.

 

“This whole thing, can we just go back home yet? I mean did we do what you needed to do?”

 

“What I needed to do?” Josh wants to scream, actually feels it bubbling it up inside. This anger it’s like lava and it burns inside his throat and he needs to swallow it down. ”Nothing to do with us, it was all me.” He tries to mime how Tyler would say it and feels he successes even if it is lost on the subject he's trying to copy.   


 

“I thought we were okay before. You wanted this.” Tyler says, no emotion or care just there he is. The laughs and tears and promises all bottled back up inside. To be fair, Josh thinks it is all him. This whole adventure, this whole trip, everything was his plan. It still hurts. There are moments it felt like it mattered. 

 

“None of it mattered?” 

 

“I mean it was nice. But we have to go back.” 

 

“You said a week.”

 

“I said we would be back in a week. We have to be back tonight.”

 

“That’s not fair.” 

 

“We’ll be okay.” Tyler’s answer is as hollow as can be. Josh wants to scream, he’s not about tears anymore. He wants to shake an emotion out of him. 

 

“Didn’t you figure anything out? Anything?” 

 

“That was all for you. You wanted to figure things out. Did you?” It’s words thrown back into his face. 

 

“I’m done.” And when he uses it it’s a final word, a last name, a death sentence and a descriptor. It’s a mirror to the sound of his footsteps on the wooden floor in the overly quiet house. It’s the soundtrack to a last day, something cut shorter than what he had wanted. It’s the noise he makes instead of a mimic. 

 

And when he slams the front door shut it’s the shattering of an entire world.

 

-

 

He didn’t really know where he was going, just knew that in the heat of the moment he couldn't stay. There was no way. He just couldn’t sit there in that house for another second. So he walked down the road, barefoot and furious. 

 

This was all a joke. A terrible horrible joke. It was the kind of thing he knew was coming since day one but he couldn’t stop himself, couldn’t hold himself back even when he wanted to and now he had this, these swirling emotions that clouded his eyes from the inside out and this migraine pounding inside his skull. 

 

-

 

It was sunset when Tyler finally found him, sitting on  a patch of grass near the lake some sixty minutes away.  He had to have been walking nonstop for a while. Tyler had sat at home for a least an hour thinking Josh would cool down and come back, but he doesn’t. Didn’t. So Ty got into the car and drove and now assumes that Josh had ducked into the woods and hid from his high beams like a criminal on the run. 

 

It had to be where they went that one night when they were both were drunk out of their minds. The area mostly looks the same as any other area but Josh would know the different. One weird tree or fallen log and he would be able to spot the difference in a heartbeat. Josh is fast like that, he remembers things in vivid color. Tyler can barely remember the night, only remembers waking up outside and seeing Josh crying on the hood of the car. 

 

Now he’s crying by himself in the grass watching the last dregs of the sun set over the water. He's only a dark shape by the edge of land.  


 

“Hey.” Tyler tries and Josh doesn’t answer him. He knows it’s fair enough and he gets to be mad but there has to be a point in time where it stops. Tyler understands frustration but Josh is the one who wanted to even talk in the first place.  “What’s going on?” He follows up. Josh stays silent. 

 

Tyler walks over and sits down on the grass, the high beams of his parked car still illuminating them in the setting sun. He inches closer and closer so knees touch first, then thighs. Tyler knows what Josh wants, can understand what the point is. But he’s been so damn stubborn this whole time, he wouldn’t be himself if he wasn’t bullheaded.  Tyler has known what Josh has wanted this whole time, honestly. He’s known since before they left. He knows better than Josh himself, who is still on the fence about how he even should feel. 

 

Josh never gave him an ultimatum but he understands there is one there all the same.  Josh would never actually say it out loud, never be the force that tore them apart. Josh would rather live in his own little misery than let somebody else down. Tyler can't do that to him, he cares too much even under all the attitude. He puts one arm around Josh's shoulders.  


 

“I love you.”  Tyler whispers and it comes out cracked, he doesn’t know how or why. He really would like to shout it from rooftops but he can’t. There is no way anyone would understand. Or they would assume he means as a brother, a best friend. He doesn’t and does all at the same time. It’s complicated. They are complicated. He wishes he could explain it but he can’t seem to find the words to make it work. So he repeats his message again. “ I love you, a lot.” He tacks on. 

 

Josh looks at him, the sun setting on the water before them and his eyes red and watery. Dried now for the second.

 

“Do you mean that?” He asks, his voice his own cracked whisper. An owl hoots somewhere not too far off. It’s quiet and it’s nice. 

 

Tyler nods because he has no more words. 

 

“I love you too.” Josh says and it’s a secret. They both get it. The words they needed to speak but couldn’t. A frog croaks and the crickets chirp. The woods make woodsy sounds. The world spins and spins. “That’s what I needed to hear.” He smiles, his eyes crinkle in the corners and his mouth splits. The world is okay for a second and Tyler forgets he can be an asshole sometimes. He forgets Josh can be so sickeningly naive. He forgets everything. “Let’s go home.” 

 

And Tyler can only smile back and nod. 


End file.
